Sonic the Hedgehog: Progressing Through Time

        Sonic scurried around the store as quickly as his little feet could bear.  What was he searching for so intently?  “Green Hill Zone” could be heard every time he scampered until finally he heard a loud, “CUT!”  Sonic looked up at the director and then back at Flo.  Yes, Sonic’s life had sunk so low that he needed to pull Progressive commercials just to pay the bills.  “What the hell is wrong this time, Sonic!?”, screamed the director from behind his mic.  “It’s Tails…I…I can’t let him see me like this…”  Sonic looked over at the beaming fox from across the room.  “GOD DAMMIT, Tails!”  Yelled Sonic, “I told you to wait until four and I’d meet you outside!”  “But Sawnic!” exclaimed Tails excitedly, “It’s Dr. Eggman!  He’s…he’s fallen ill…they have to amputate…” Tails looked down sadly as Sonic came to comfort the now forlorn, mutant fox.  Sonic knew, after taking in that fat fuck of a doctor years ago that the diabetus would be his ultimate downfall.  It seemed today, Dr. Robotnik would now need to invent himself a working, robotic leg. 

        Dr. Robotnik had been Sonic’s foe for decades, but ever since his health started failing him, Sonic begrudgingly decided to take him in for the few months the doctor had on this miserable planet; Robotnik gave Sonic a reason for living all those years after all.  The world had rejected a hedgehog with an oxygen deficiency long ago.  That deficiency, Sonic recalled, gave him his lusty, blue sheen.  Whatever sadness these thoughts elicited however had to be quelled yet again.  Sonic knew this wasn’t about him; this was about that huge, son-of-a-bitch rolling in on his new rascal scooter.  “Sonic, you hear the news!?” a muffled voice proclaimed.  “Ain’t it grand?”  “I wouldn’t exactly say ‘grand’…”  Sonic annoyingly muttered, as he saw Robotnik cramming his mouth full of Snowballs. The pink coconut covering his chubby cheeks and triple chin.  Sonic was always aware that any attention toward Robotnik was exactly what was clamored by the obscenely, ovular doctor.  In his earlier days, it was building useless robots that would follow a predictable pattern and serve one, useless purpose every, single, damned time. Now-a-days, it was inhaling sweets and reliving the good ol’ days through lousy stories and misanthropic memories.  Sonic never wanted to break Robotnik’s spirit by telling him he was a miserable inventor and an even more miserable person; he had no right.  And even so, Robotnik had done SOME good.  “Hey Robotnik,” Sonic chuckled as he looked at the metallic head proudly hanging on the wall.  “Tell me what happened to Metal Sonic again!”  Sonic had heard the story dozens of times within the last month alone, but knew it was Robotnik’s most cherished account and ultimately one of his greatest accomplishments.  “Oh, you mean Jared?”  Robotnik spoke up as he looked up at the rusty head.  “Well after you defeated him in the Death Egg, he was hellbent on showing me he was worthy…but I wasn’t having that…” Robotnik began to laugh aloud, alternately hacking viciously.  “I lured Jared into the incinerator room by explaining to him that I had trapped you and the fox within.  Well little did I know…and here’s the best part, Sonic…that I had accidentally flipped the switch on rusty, ol’ Jared, to be conscious of both feeling and emotion!”  Robotnik began to giggle as he shoved more Snowballs into his fat gullet.  “As I had a minion shove him into that fiery, abyss, I could hear his blood-curdling, metallic screaming.  He wanted me to save him!  You know what the best part of it all was though, Sonic? He actually called me ‘father’!”  Robotnik was now laughing uncontrollably.  “Why father?’, ‘It burns father!”  He would scream for hours until finally all that was left in the incinerator was his rusty, severed head…Oh ho, ho, what a day that was!”  Sonic gave a half-hearted grin and looked down, knowing Robotnik didn’t have long.

       It was the morning of the surgery and the only two to come out and see that sickly, old miser get his colossal leg amputated were the two that took him in long ago… “Sawnic!”  began Tails, “What if Dr. Eggman doesn’t make it?  What if he’s too weak to endure all of this!?”  Sonic knew he had to cheer Tails up, but somehow had trouble lying to the distressed fox’s face. “Well Tails, Robotnik has lived a wonderful life and survived this long on his abysmal health…”  Sonic began to smirk.  “I just don’t think that gigantic, sack of lard can truly die.”  “Perhaps you’re right, Sawnic!”  Tails said giddily. As the day progressed however, seconds turned to minutes, minutes began to turn to hours and both Sonic and Tails began to become uncomfortably apprehensive.  They feared that something was going wrong and there was nothing they could do but anxiously sit in the waiting room reading old editions of shitty magazines, dispersed all over the cold, iridescently lit room.       

       After six hours of surgery, and what seemed like a lifetime of waiting, the operating doctor came into the room with his head sunk.  “Will the representatives of Robotnik come speak to me please?”  The doctor sullenly blurted.  Sonic and Tails stepped forward and were led into a tiny room with nothing  more than a bed and a few chairs.  The doctor sunk into the chair and looked up at the now distraught animals.  “We…we couldn’t save him…”  Tails began to scream in agony and Sonic yelled out with tears flowing from his eyes.  “This was a simple leg amputation doc!  I know he didn’t have long with the way he was taking care of himself, but it shouldn’t have been now!  He still had a few more years!”  The doctor knew he’d have to give a detailed explanation to the hedgehog, who was growing angrier and angrier.  The doctor paused and then explained, “I know what the operation was and what the risks were, but as we began to cut into the bone, the anesthesiologist misdiagnosed the amount of medicine needed to put your immensely, ‘plump’ friend under for the duration of the entire surgery.  He began to scream in mortal pain some time into the operation!  As he was screaming, blood started to spew out of his mouth and he began to drown in it!  As we were sucking up the blood hurredly, his heart-rate and blood pressure began to skyrocket!  We knew his heart would blow soon, but just before it did, he pointed to a pen and pad I had near the table…’although I don’t know why I keep those there,’ the doctor whispered to himself.  No matter, we quickly reached for it and handed it to him; he then began to write furiously.  The writing was sloppy and frankly illegible, but what more would you expect from a man in intense pain and knowing he had only seconds to live?  Am I right?!”  Tails seemed oblivious to the failed attempt at consoling-humor by the doctor, but Sonic was not the least bit amused.  ”Anyway,” proceeded the doctor, “we kept the note for you to see.  And I feel I must let you know that as he finished writing, the pen fell out of his hand and his heart blew.  He…he was gone in an instant; pink coconut shot out of his mouth and he defecated himself as he turned deathly cold…”  Finally, the doctor reached for the pad and handed it to Sonic.  “Maybe you can make sense of it.”  The doctor then walked out of the room to give the two time to make mourn and make sense of this peutrid mess that could only be brought about by Robotnik.  Still, Sonic and Tails, tears now covering their faces looked at the pad and began to decipher what was written.  “Sonic,” the first word was read aloud, “I know about your stint with Progressive, but I feel you should know that I just saved hundreds of dollars by switching to Geico!”  “That son-of-a-bitch!”  Angrily yelled Sonic.  “He knew!”  “What does this mean, Sawnic!?” Tails bashfully inquired.  “It means that Cockney gecko is fucked!” 

TO BE CONTINUED?  PROBABLY NOT, BUT MAYBE…